MMFD & I

Here is why I liked so much this tv series, although terribly short, but is now on my top favs. And I’m terribly sad is over, final season with just three episodes… really?? Here is my vision:At age 15, I had migraine, “teenager migraine” they called it. I think, everybody thought, it was self-induced. Now I’m sure it was. I was told I needed therapy, which I never completed because I was given anti depressants by a psychiatrist who only spoke to me twice and immediately made me cry on the first session, she told me I needed to imagine a place where I would feel at peace and that, as homework, I needed to start a diary and write my dreams as soon as I would remember them. The pills she gave me put me down to the floor, everyday I would cry for no reason, I would feel I was in a hole where nobody could help me.

I was a teenager, I had “teenager problems”, I was depressed, I was losing my comfort zone, everything and everybody I knew was changing, but I felt at the time that I was still the same, that I was the only I was getting stuck. Maybe I wasn’t fat, I wasn’t bullied to the point of trying to get myself out. But I had my own methods, never considered self infliction, but anxiety, headaches and depression was a way to cope. Still today, I blame the weather but really is just my mind. I get anxious and panic attacks, I get to eat and crave at any time of the day, specially when I’m bored and feel I’m not being productive. I don’t bite my nails anymore but I pick on my fingers and pull the flesh around until I bleed.

Maybe is not the same, but there are some glimpse of me in that series. I was a teenager back in the 90s as well, I started to listen to music and that’s the time when I became melomaniac. That’s when I had my “first love” and wanted to move out to start all over, to have a fresh start where nobody knew me. And after two years, I had no plans but to stay with my friends, in the comfort zone I had created, in the place where I knew things would go easier. I even had someone already to spend my life with! But reason (in my dad’s figure) came to me and pushed me to move again, burst my nice little bubble of happiness and get into a whole new scenario where I couldn’t see myself fitting in.

Later in my life, I tried therapy again. This time I was supposed to have my life figured out. I had finished Uni and I was already working, I had my first job and wasn’t ideal but I enjoyed it, I met great people. But in the love area, I had become possessive, because of my some many experiences with my frustrated obsessed love for a man who I used to love. He was my first love. The same I met when my first crisis. In the first crisis he was the one who “fixed” me, more like motivated me. But this second time he broke me. He became the example of my following search for love.

When being rejected I would become that man who was only playing me and hurting me, but obsessively looking for me and possessively meeting me. I realised I was so needy and I was losing my best boy friends, the ones who cared for me but in the first sign of “caring” I would blindly fall for them and making them my possession. I made it conscious and went searching for help, I needed therapy, but once again, I quit after a few sessions. I didn’t like hearing the truth. I didn’t like the idea of depending on someone to be happy. I changed therapy methods and therapist, and again, I was told I needed therapy. After three sessions I stopped going.

To the day I keep a journal, maybe not a daily one, or detailed one. But I write the highlights, more the ups than the downs, what was important to me. To the day, I know I need therapy. My body is reacting in different ways, my mind is trying to cope through my body and I know I need other methods and ways to canalise those black holes in me. Now I’m more optimistic and see the brightness ahead, but still have my dark moments, though not as often, but my body is trying to tell me I need other resources everyday and I need to listen and make it a priority.

That is why I loved these series. I identified myself a little bit with the story, with the character, with the issues. I’m not a teenager anymore, that is clear, but I faced those problems and managed to move on. I wasn’t as confident as Rae when breaking up with a guy, or to go to Uni or keeping friends close, but I moved on.

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